‘Tis the time to be Jolly’, (apparently) so let’s get that f*cker out the way for starters!
It’s not that I don’t like Christmas, I do.
As far as capitalist money making ventures go, Christmas is one of my faves, the fact it’s supported and endorsed by Religions worldwide is even better.
Santa, so who is he really?
Despite the fact that he only works for one day a year, breaks into your house and disappoints people the world over year after year, it’s just further confirmation as to just how awesome he really is.
In reality, he’s just a lazy chav who’s a part-time delivery driver for a slightly crazy but harmless cult. Cool or what?
Let’s face it, between Santa Claus and many other fictional entities touted Globally, my money’s firmly on the Fat guy in a red suit!
Too many mince pies or is he just big boned?
I’m not picking on Fat people, but historically Santa Claus has so far always managed to be referred to as a ‘Fat guy’ for quite some time without the Politically correct crazies pouncing on it! Remarkable in itself.
The very notion that an Anorexic Santa could climb down your chimney with a big bag of presents seems unlikely in itself, let alone climb back out! It would have made better sense in times of hardship but we aren’t that forward thinking or practical as a people.
For commerce and sales, a big Fat Santa makes more sense. The “Sorry honey, this year Santa only brought you a ‘Ferrero Rocher’ wouldn’t cut the mustard with many.
Divorces would soar as women everywhere smashed frying pans over their husbands sleeping bodies everywhere and that ‘cute’ guy they’ve been flirting with would be already be cutting the Turkey!
So, in this world gone mad that we live in, I’m sure it won’t be long before we have to refer to him as ‘Santa Person‘ of non descript size and sex, wearing a multi-colored suit riding a sledge being pulled by some form of robot which is not likely to be harrassed by animal activists in any way.
To be safe, you won’t be getting any presents in the future either in case it offends you,offends those near you, or someone you may know with religious beliefs so anally retentative that they borderline on just plain cartoon.
Plus, on the off chance it causes you injury in later life through accidental neglect, failure to read the instructions, update it correctly or charge it for the right amount of time, or simply because you decided to jam something up your bottom for novelty because it didn’t have a bloody great ‘DO NOT JAM THIS UP YOUR BOTTOM‘ sticker on it, it will further rule out someone getting sued for the pleasure of your own stupidity. . .
So – Santa Claus, is it sexism gone MAD? – (Said with a Jeremy Clarkson voice).
Me personally, I like the whole fat guy in a red suit to be honest, it gives us all fair warning should we need it.
If you have kids it’s – grants maybe a few extra seconds to be able to change route or to spoil them, which ever option best suits at the time.
If you’re in a relationship, it gives you chance to show off or hope to ignore the imminent festivities, and if your like me, if just gives you chance to muse over a slightly disturbed vision of a wierdo in an oversized suit with a fake beard getting strangers to sit on his Knee!
In an ideal world, we’d lock him up – Just to be safe! Bizarrely though for one day a year it’s still ok. . .
It’s a man’s Job!?
Without appearing to come across as sexist, it’s probably a little safer having a man climb up & down your chimney these days in any case, (and ignore the smutty connotation, please), but having a woman climbing down into a strange house is an accident waiting to happen in so many ways.
High heels, hair all buffed up and lathered in Hair spray, well. . . It’s probably fair to say she’d go up the Chimney faster than she ever went down it and you know they’d be recreating it on Mythbusters too at some point. . .
“Can you really make a Cannon out of a Chimney, a can of hairspray and a well rounded Santa woman?“
Firstly, just imagine her trying to park! A Nightmare, plus directions.
If she’s familiar and been before, probably not too bad but map reading, come on, you’d be lucky to see your presents by July, and that’s being optimistic (and I know you were assuming I mean’t the same July, which I didn’t). . .
I’m all for the whispering what you’d want for Christmas in their ear though and would do the decent thing and have her sit on my knee so to not squash her, beyond that though, it’s rightfully a sexist vocation in my opinion.
Having a sexy Santa climb down the chimney would just end up putting too many men in prison for a start, half aren’t fit to control themselves at best let alone with someone who just climbs down their chimney, it’s why women don’t make good burglars.
Sure they Can do it, but more than half resort in having to blow the balls off some over sexed numpty everytime they break into a house.
It’s not that having a female Santa is wrong, it’s just that if you ever want to get your presents anywhere near ontime, you at least need a man to drive them there! – lol
So, have a cracking Christmas and an eventful New Year assuming the Mayan Calendar is of course wrong.
In the event of the End of the World actually occurring, then it will just provide further proof that as a species we deserved to all be wiped out.
After all, we had a Calendar predicting it and still did f*ck all about it. . .
I just wish it had a picture of Kylie in those Gold hotpants on the cover, maybe then we’d have taken it more seriously!
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Thinking of Xmas!
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Santa, the Legend!
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Have a green Xmas!
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Xmas needn’t be Grim!
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But will Santa come?
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Have a white Xmas red necks!
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Doc Dumbass in da house, probably stealing all he can!
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Happy K-k-k-hristmas!
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Bah Humbug!
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Be remembered!
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Wise men & a Virgin! LOL
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Celebrate with the Klan!
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Sledge trouble!
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Pimp your Xmas tree up!
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Forget-me-not!
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Santa’s little helper. . .
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State sponsored Xmas, nice if you can get it!
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Rudolf won’t be making it this year!
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More than just a present!
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Thuper Malaka, not just for Xmas!
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Xmas cheer!
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Where’s Santa this year?
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Ho, ho, ho. . . Where’s my Ho’s?
Please forward any complaints to spankmymunkey@giveash*t.com
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